The Crazy is Back with a Vengeance

On the plus side, I can talk again.  Sort of.  On the less-plus side, the crazy is back, and it is not in a good mood. 

This is not the good kind of crazy.  I like those days.  They're full of energy and creativity.  I feel like I could stay up for days (and sometimes I do).  The ideas come so fast that I have to type instead of write by hand, and eventually I have to give up on that and dictate to my computer.  Manic times are magnificent. 

Today is the bad kind of crazy.  Unfortunately my life is basically a really wonky sine curve, and every day of Good Crazy must be paid for in days of Bad Crazy.  Also unfortunately, they don't correlate in any kind of logical pattern.  Manic day(s)/week(s) are sort of predictable, but depressed days/weeks/months are not.  The one nice thing is that there is a kind of slope--the first two or three days get in the way of my life but they're not debilitating--if I have to talk to people I can do it without bursting into tears as the slightest provocation.  It gives me a little bit of time to get things in order so that I can spend the next week or so hiding in my closet and not speaking to anyone without seriously interfering with school or work or whatever. 

The piano has been helping a lot this time around--this hit me yesterday and I'm still mostly functional after spending three or four hours at the piano playing the same Clementi sonatinas over and over again.  I think that I'll make it through the end of finals.  I certainly hope so. 

Still, it's been pretty bad so far.  I spent most of today being unable to form coherent sentences--no subjects, and very little in the way of verbs.  I'm having a few good hours right now so I hope that this grammar is acceptable...

Among my friends, we joke about "The Crazy" a lot, and I want to preface the next sentence with the fact that I certainly don't think that should stop.  I make plenty of jokes about it myself.  But, I also have to deal with it every day.  Even during the normal, "0 on the y-axis" times I am constantly aware that it may not last very long, that pretty soon I will start spiraling in one direction or the other, that pretty soon The Crazy and I will be struggling for power. 

During manic times I always think that whatever the crash brings, it's totally worth it.  Manic times are fantastic, wonderful places.  On days like today, and for the next few weeks--maybe this time it will be a few days, maybe a month--I just have to keep repeating to myself: It's worth it, it's worth it, it's worth it...